Why I consider myself an agnostic (and left Christianity behind me)

I'll admit that in my absence from writing, a lot has changed for me on a personal level. Approximately two years of disdain for the pen, or in this case the keyboard, I've undergone a drastic change of philosophy and faith (or lack thereof). Those who had faithfully read my monologues before, thank you for that devotion, I don't believe I deserved it. I spent the greater part of those years defending those who I now disdain (healthily, mind you, not mindlessly).

Rewind the videotape--if they still exist--two years if you will. In this still you see a mid-twenties american male, white, somewhat successful, though not monetarily, but overall perceives life as happy, carefree, joyful, and often times not as bad as others seem to see it. Though a pessimist by nature, he was still capable of seeing the glass as at least partially full, albeit never totally full. Isn't that the way it always works in the end anyway?

He was married, and in his world, away from the remainder of the world, he was happy. He had his issues, but the dream of a better life not consumed with struggle drove him to support his love for his mate, his job, his dreams, and ideally his future. He struggled with the simple concept of faith (after all, he'd grown up being told to just believe, the details aren't important after all!), but he clung to it. He read about it. He studied it, amidst other venues of venting the seemingly never solidified views he argued for on an almost daily basis. Not because everyone else was wrong, of course, but because he desperately wanted to make it HIS.

Thus begins the epic failure of Timothy Keeley...

At the ripe young age of 22 I made the mistake of marriage. The background here is that:

1) Marriage is a consecrated ordination designed by God

2) Sex before this consecration is illegal. No ifs, ands, or buts. God has final say, and dare not question this bastion of absolutes.

3) Your family will disown you outside of this, the only crime worse than such is being a homosexual.

I changed my life. I moved south away from those who I'm related to. I got a job. I got a house. I proceeded to put myself in "better" shape. It was, after all, the American Way. There was nothing else that was taught to me otherwise. "Work, sleep, work, sleep, occasionally eat, etc." Oh, and don't forget attend church at least thrice a week, even if it's not in the Bible.

I thought for the longest time this is what made people happy and successful. The 50s was ripe with this attitude, and that period of time was portrayed by fellow "believers" to be such a utopia. I wanted desperately to join in the hunt, to be a part of buying shares in the afterlife.

After 3 years of marriage things started to unravel. For the better part of the third year I struggled personally with a major conflict: Jesus vs. Drugs. I was taught growing up that pills were never the answer to mental or emotional problems, "our saviour" was. I'd been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, though never medicated for it, and as a result I never was able to reach the potential my professors told me I was capable of in college. Even in high school there was advice to pursue a treatment for this disorder, yet nothing happened.

Not saying ADHD is really an insurmountable issue. I've found ways to cope, ways to focus, etc. But it's no lie that my IQ scores ranked in the genius range, my math and science skills far exceeded my peers, and my ability to analyze anything I wanted to was on the tier of fictional greats like Sherlock Holmes. I didn't really care at the time, I was a social outcast, trying to fit in and never successfully finding my niche. I couldn't stay focused, I couldn't connect, and I still find myself being the "crazy" one in a circle of friends.

During this year of my life, I left the church I'd been attending, disillusioned by the lack of faith I'd never been able to conquer. I wanted to believe so much, yet every step I tried making forward only threw me backwards into more skepticism and disbelief. I'll refrain from quoting the bible, I think we all know that does little good anyway. For it to carry weight one has to believe it is what it claims to be, but self proclamation never holds a candle in any group of ... well .... anything else, especially science. Those who are that narcissistic are tossed away as a joke. Why is the bible, or God for that matter, exempt?

Following this transitional period of time, I became heavily depressed. The entire infrastructure of my life as I'd known it crumbled apart at the seams, collapsing in a void of confusion, anger, resentment, and heartache. When things started to stabilize, it was merely the calm before the storm.

Divorce happened, and rocked my world. I'd finally found where I stood and what I wanted to pursue philosophically, and then the d-word occurred. Now I'd not thrown away the concept of God, nor had I denounced my faith. I merely was asking questions. I ask "why" about everything, because what else can we do? Is it wrong? Based on the punishments that followed, God doesn't like people doing anything but blind slave labor. Therefore, based upon that premise, God is a maniacal dictator playing chess with our lives.

Divorce followed foreclosure on the house, because on one income I couldn't afford it anymore. I lost my job, which only complicated things. I withdrew from my band, my one outlet for peace and release. I had no family locally (that was a result of the marriage) so I had no moral or emotional support of family. At the time, it didn't bother me, but looking back, it definitely took its toll.

The relation to faith: I trusted in God to ensure that he'd always look out for me. After all, "his eye is on the sparrow"...this didn't mean that he'd not "allow bad things to happen" (when in fact he causes bad things to happen, which I'll approach later), nor that "he won't try one beyond his ability to withstand temptation" (where the bible clearly states that God will not tempt ANY man, for one cannot say "he is tempted of God", etc.). It means when we "ask anything in his name, he will give it." Clearly there's a lot of promises God cannot keep. I never asked for the world. I only asked for my love back, my life back, even my faith. The only thing that happened was the opposite reaction. I heard "the devil is powerful, he'll do whatever he can to cause you to falter", etc., but the devil is a tool of God. God, being totally omnipotent, cannot exist with a counterpart shirking his reign. Even Satan, yes, is a power tool of the heavenly father. That is unequivocally a fact, and I've heard every argument against it, and it's all illogical and bogus shit.

The key here is this: God is omnipotent. That is an absolute statement about an absolutely powerful entity in an absolutely unaccountable scenario. He answers to NO ONE.

Why would a God claim to "test the faith" of a poor soul who only ever tried understanding him, his nature, his people, or even just himself as a person?

God is, after all, capable of snapping his fingers and destroying everything he is claimed to have created. Why wouldn't he help someone on the verge of suicide? "Only he knows" is the cop out answer, "he's a maniac" is far more apt for the argument in this case.

When religion fails to bring you happiness, no matter how hard you try to buy into it, the only natural response is to abandon it.

And so I did.

I look around and see the beauty of the earth, but having studied science for so long I also understand the complexity and the nature therein, as well as marvel at what I don't know. In fact, the idea of God creating everything made it all seem so lame. In fact, it still does. I marvel daily and wonder what caused trees to be trees, flies to be flies, and so on and so forth. God merely dumbs everything down, because it's cut and dry: he did it, accept it, and you better not question how or why or when, because you'll go to hell.

Ah hell...the idea that an all loving God would send his loved creatures to a pit of fire for eternity so that only the select few that were accepted by him (people don't, in fact, accept him, the idea of free will is entirely a figment of imagination by people to comfort their narcissism even more than it normally would be--religion is by all conceivable definitions a crutch for the weak spirited, since they cannot grasp the greater wonder of a universe free of this "game").

The bible never supports free will. If it does, it's equally contradicted by verse after verse of the Father choosing his people. The jews? Already chosen. In fact, if a jew rebelled...well, read the whole old testament to find out! And this idea that christians should ignore the OT and only care about the NT? That's bogus, because it's the same God. He has the same nature now and forever, based on the bible. Christians go to heaven, everyone else goes to hell. That is not natural selection, it's fascism. God is hardly separated from Hitler by what accounts I've read about in the enormous historical content contained in the bible itself.

Hell is a punishment for the wicked who did not choose their sin, it was given to them by Adam and Eve, who ate from a tree, and then were told they would die. There was a talking snake too.

Now, the bible is either a boring version of the Chronicles of Narnia, or it's superstition (the latter is more likely, since people in the past were far more prone to supernaturalism than they are today in the dawn of the scientific age). When Darwin released "The Origin of Species", christians lost their cool, because it bucked their comfort zone. Religion as a whole cannot exist without fear, and fear is merely a tool to control. So Hell was created to instill fear in people and cause them to dread dying without this faith, and with this faith comes money (which in the bible is said to be the root of all evil, but you'll never see a pastor truly preach against it in America, because hard work = money = entitlement = neglecting those without money).

I decided then and there to toss all of it away. I lost too much sleep, I spent too long arguing to the air (because God never answered a single question at all, not once, not ever) and for a being to possess such power and ignore the simplest of requests is just idiotic. So I deduced God either doesn't care, doesn't exist, or just is a dick.

I still think there's something out there, but like evolution we've discovered explanations for things once assumed supernatural. We no longer beat mental patients whilst they are chained to posts. We don't burn witches (at least not the people I know), etc.

When the day is done, has God done ANYTHING for you? If he does exist, is he listening to your prayers he already knew you'd say and clearly didn't change his mind?

After all, fate is fate. If something good happens, your prayers didn't make it happen. And you cannot blame the bad on the devil, that's just not fair, because God uses the devil. So in fact God causes every harm upon you, every good thing, every pain, every suffering, every joyful moment, and all in the name of "don't ask why, cuz you see how I answered Job like a BOSS!"

Really God? You and Satan bet, Job is the one who lost, and he merely asked why. Then you harp on him for asking a question? No thank you, I'd rather go to hell.

You've read it. It's scatterbrained, a little cynical, and probably offensive to at least half the population that will read this. But wake up, smell the coffee, and let loose. Look at reality.

Faith isn't something you shouldn't be able to explain. Everything has an explanation, and even if you don't own that explanation, an omnipotent God could certainly take 5 minutes out of your lifetime to answer a simple damned question you ask. Anything less is not very loving.

Kind of like hell, labor, war, murder, rape, incest, adultery, and demonism. The problem? All those were used by God while the bible claims God does no evil. Yet God uses evil to damage his people and those not "his"? Little bit like a napoleon complex if you ask me.

I don't disavow the existence of God. I just wonder what in hell he has in mind when the only people who believe in him are probably more likely to be diagnosed as insane than I am.

After all, the winners write the history books...and my book sucks.